“I am the great Cornholio - I need TP for my Bunghole!"
~ Beavis

Have you ever stood in the toilet paper aisle, feeling like you’re about to fail a calculus exam? The sheer number of choices, the confusing metrics, the pressure to choose wisely… it’s enough to make anyone yearn for the simple days of one-ply or two-ply.

While my homelab can orchestrate a K3s cluster, run AI models locally, and automate backups… it still can’t tell me if this 3-ply roll is going to betray me mid-wipe. Some jobs remain stubbornly analog.

Sure, the pandemic taught us the value of having any toilet paper [1] , but now that the dust has settled, we’re back to the everyday problem: Which roll is the right roll? [2]

This post is your guide to the hidden world of toilet paper complexity… and why humanity (specifically, your discerning bum) still holds a monopoly on the final say.

The Perils of Paper Procurement

Toilet paper is no longer just ‘one-ply or two-ply.’ Now we have:

  • Ply count: More plies, more cushion? Or just… more price?
  • Sheets per roll: Bigger number, but are they micro-sheets?
  • Sheet size: Napkin or post-it?
  • Quilting & softness: Wiping with clouds or sandpaper?
  • Eco-factors: Recycled? Sustainable? Guilt-free wiping? [3]
  • Cost per square meter: Nothing says adulthood like calculating surface area in a supermarket aisle.

And yet, none of these metrics appear clearly on the packet. You’re left squeezing the rolls, like checking for ripe avocados, hoping for a hint of what lies within.

The Deception of the Roll

Ever bought a “mega roll” that turned out to be a mega disappointment? Manufacturers have become masters of deception [4] , employing tricks to inflate roll size visually [5] :

  • Enlarged cores: More air, less paper. Like the potato chip bag that’s half-empty.
  • Narrower sheets: The width of a ribbon - how dainty.
  • Looser winding: Puffy roll, hollow heart. All fluff, no substance.

And then the ultimate indignity:
The Holder Shame Factor - that sad little roll rattling on your holder… It’s all scaffold, no substance. Like an overbuilt framework for a hello-world app.

Introducing the TPER: Toilet Paper Efficiency Rating

It’s time for reform. Enter the TPER - Toilet Paper Efficiency Rating. A metric system bringing the scientific gravitas of a Toilet Paper Systems Analyst - specializing in throughput and fault tolerance, but for your behind.

The TPER Criteria:

  • Total Surface Area: Square meterage per roll. No marketing fluff.
  • Ply Strength: Will it survive real-world stress? We demand tear-resistance!
  • Quilt Comfort Index: Ranges from ’tissue cloud’ to ‘industrial sanding belt.’
  • Core Deception Ratio: How much of this roll is just cardboard and lies?
  • Holder Shame Factor: Does it look majestic, or like it’s one wipe away from extinction?
  • Disintegration Time: Flush-ability without fear. Nobody wants a plumbing Armageddon.

TPER Scale:

  • 🟩 A+ = “Luxury for the cheeks, honest to the core.”
  • 🟨 C = “Functional, but expect paper cuts somewhere.”
  • 🟥 F = “You’ll regret this decision. But hey, it was cheap.”

Why AI Will Never Replace the TPER Inspector

AI can generate poetry, play chess, write blog posts - but what it can’t do:

  • Feel the tactile bliss of a good ply.
  • Judge a quilted sheet’s resistance to catastrophic failure.
  • Experience poor absorbency in a crisis moment.

Only one entity is qualified to assess this: Your certified human bum.

Until manufacturers adopt TPER labels, we remain solo in the aisle, squeezing rolls, forever guessing.

Some jobs, no matter how advanced AI gets, require the delicate, subjective assessment of the human posterior.

The TPER Inspector Guild™: Certified by Real Bums, for Real People.

Job security, my friends.

Until then… may your rolls be strong, your sheets be soft, and your Holder Shame Factor forever minimal.

References

  1. How the Coronavirus Created a Toilet Paper Shortage. In College of Natural Resources - USA. ↩
  2. The best and worst toilet paper we tested. In CHOICE - Australia. ↩
  3. Caught short: lack of recycled toilet paper in UK 'fuelling deforestation'. In the Guardian. ↩
  4. Why toilet paper keeps getting smaller and smaller. In The Hustle. ↩
  5. Ask Laz: Toilet paper: Bigger cardboard rolls, smaller sheets, same price. In Los Angeles Times ↩